Chapter 28 - The perils of commuting and internet dating

The perils of commuting to work and internet dating.

So yes this blog has taken a very drastic turn. No more cycling adventures with big bike rides in the countryside, up mountains with sunshine. This is now 9 to 5 working, a 7km commute and a dabble into internet dating.  And there are lessons to learn from all of this oh yes there are. Baby steps, baby steps.

 Commuting to work by bike

I am determined not to be a fair-weather commuter, I'm going to aim for Rule #5 rufty tufty commuter status, I will venture out high-vizzed upto the gazoo (which part of the anatomy that is I'm not sure) come rain or shine. So far this hasn't always panned out. I have chickened out on a few occasions and then regretted immediately the 281 bus journey - listening to inane conversations from people who say "fink" and "innit" a lot. It takes forever as the bus takes the longest route around the houses to Kingston. I fear this bus trip is only going to get worse when it's winter and the passengers all start sneezing over each other  No... commuting by bike has to be the way forward.

Because actually my route to work is extremely cathartic, it's along the river tow path where I see barges, long boats, rowers, ducks and swans (always had a soft spot for ducks and swans) and wonderful sunrises. Which gladdens my heart every morning as I cycle towards my place of employment. It certainly has helped my state of mind when things have seemed a bit crappy.  It uplifts my battered heart and gets it pumping again.

The logistics

It aint pretty !

There are some basic logistics to consider as a commuter. Rather like when you start triathlon and you try and get your head around - so I swim, cycle and run one after the other - what the hell do I wear? And then it becomes clear. So I have made some quite big school girl errors.

1. Not carrying a spare tyre

Yep I know it's only 7km but actually there is a lot of glass along the tow path and of course on the day when I had loads of work on, no time for a lunch break - I got a puncture. I hadn't brought a spare. And even if I had although technically I know the procedure for mending a puncture I do usually defer to the nearest male if a tyre needs changing. Blood has even been shed when mending one of my tyres - so now I try to avoid. 

The chap in Halfords was very helpful. Never thought I'd write those words. In fact he was slightly over helpful, in the 20 minute window I had to get the puncture fixed and back to my desk.  Yes he was a bike geek and as he put my bike up on the frame - he spotted many adjustments that my bike would benefit from.  Don't mean to be rude but I really need to get back.  He adjusted my gears,  tutted at my chain and was starting to test my brakes - and my patience.  Yes, Yes, Yes, thank you I need to get back. He won't last long there he is wayyyyyyy too helpful!

2. The logistics of what to wear it's easy - cycle to work - shower - change into clothes....

Week 1 - cycle to work - shower - change into clothes - no underwear.  
Eeekkkkk that horrific moment when you realise your bra and pants are still in the drawer at home. This was week 1 I didn't know my colleagues very well. It had already felt a little bit wrong being naked in my place of work and showering.  God help me if the fire alarm goes off.  It's fine I'll wear my sweaty sports bra and have to go commando.  I got away with it.

Week 2 - cycle to work - shower - forget towel
Ahh soaking wet no method of drying myself.  For a brief moment I eyed up the sad faded thread bare towels that others had left over the door. Could I? No, knowing my luck the person whose towel it was would come in and I'd have a lot of blustering explaining to do. And actually there was just something a bit icky about it. No it's fine I would use my sports bra as a method of drying myself. I chuckled to myself - ahh yes I hadn't been outwitted. Very clever Catherine. As I rummaged into by sports bag for my dry underwear.

Nooooooooooo! I looked at my slightly see through professional attire for the day. No I was going to have to put on the now soaking sports bra.  Which was OK but as the morning went on, sat at my desk, slowly the wet bra started seeping through my jumper.  I hadn't had this wet patch problem since I'd been breastfeeding!

So the point is that rather like triathlon it's all about getting your kit ready the night before. Laying it all out and being prepared.  

3. Lights lights lights

When the clocks changed and I looked out of the office window at 4.30pm and it was pitch black, realisation dawned. My current lights were not going to be enough to guide my way home.  As the time to cycle home drew nearer I found myself getting quite anxious about my journey home. I was going to have to take a different unexplored route home as the tow path is not lit up and is full of pot holes. And, being a tow path it's right next to a cold wet river. I really wasn't suffieciently lit up enough, so nervously I set off.  As I made it to Teddington Lock bridge relief flooded through me -I'd made it without being knocked off.  I then caught the barrier and fell off. Obviously in front of others, ripping by winter bib tights. Crash! You Ok? yep yep yep me fighting back tears! Tomorrow I was going to go into Halfords to throw lots of money at lights.  

I now have an array of lights, front lights, back lights, flashing lights, helmet lights.  And you can guarantee I bump into no-one in the corridors when I'm wearing my professional attire by day but you can guarantee when I'm fully lycra-ed up with my helmet flashing like a Christmas tree (not a euphemism) I bump into every bugger. Cringe. But I'm still alive right?

I do sometimes look at those Mary Poppins type women commuting on their bikes with their boots, skirt and tights on, and wonder if it's entirely necessary for me to be in full MAMIL attire? But they must be a bit stinky at work surely? Or maybe these are the women who don't sweat but glow and have a clean oven. Probably got a full set of co-ordinating underwear on underneath as well!!

INTERNET DATING  - Oh God!

So before Christmas curiosity got the better of me and I joined a dating site, just to see what the dating gene pool might look like. Not good.

The Dream

The reality

I duly did a bio - and posted some photos.  Admittedly a lot of me looking goofy in a cycling helmet, none of me actually looking like a proper girl in a dress. No pouting - no pouting is for silly young girls who take selfies all the time. I was hoping to convey that I didn't take myself too seriously.

So what I did discover is that someone needs to tell some of these men that they are never going to get a date by:-
a) using a photo that has been shot upwards beneath their double chin 
b) posting a photo without your head in the picture and your polyester shirt unbuttoned - is that supposed to be sexy?
c) where you've obviously cut off your ex wife because her hand is still visible on your shoulder 
d) smile - for fucks sake smile I know life is tough but you look cross.  


Many of the photo's looked like they were taken in a smoke filled prison cell. Remember the Nick Nolte police mug shot. Yep that's it - you think you're going to attract someone with that? I had been hoping for something like Euan McGregor and what I was seeing was more Rab C Nesbitt.  So if it wasn't their photo's then maybe it was their sparkling conversation that was going to win me over? There were several types....

Middle aged man seeks date. GSOH. Into Horse Back Riding.

• The Young Ones 

They wink at you.  Well the 28 year olds do.  Really 28? And then they text. They ridiculously flatter you (do people really believe that shit) and then ask "Chica is 28 too young?" Me to them ....."Yep - go ask your mum if you're allowed out!"  If they cycled they'd probably still have stabilisers! 
What would I do with a 28 year old anyway? Well I just wouldn't, it would feel ridiculous. No dating in places with strip lighting for a start. A man with a younger woman is always commended with a slap on the back by their mates in the pub. A woman with a younger man it just doesn't translate the same. Like Madonna dating her backing dancers. Hypocrisy I know, but none the less the truth. So that's a no. They're blocked.

• The Old Ones

And then the 72 year old from Chelsea who to be fair still had all his own hair and teeth and wanted to take me for "drinkies in Chelsea" he was an artist and looked as if had been in ABBA at some point.  So the conversation went like this...
Him "Can I take you for drinkies in Chelsea?"
Me " Can I get to know a bit more about you first?" (you are fucking 72 but this is interesting) "You say you're an artist and filmmaker what sort of things do you do?"
Him: "Short films, experimental, not many actors"......errrrr is it just me but that just sounded very dodgy.  FFS. I blocked him.

• The quite frankly haven't got a brain ones

The next one:
Me: Hi how are you?
Him: Just going for a shower LOL! winking emoji.   

I didn't text back. Errrrr really not sure where you want me to go with that one but I'm not playing that game. So I left it that night but the next morning I innocently texted.

Me: Just about to cycle to work will text later if I can still feel my fingers very frosty today.
Him: I've got something you can warm your hands on LOL! winking emoji
God really? I blocked him.

• The Lets Chat Offline

The first one that asked me for my email address after an initial "Hi how are you?". No -  if it's OK with you I'd rather chat on this Police Identikit Dating website first please.  Him "Your choice" no further communication ensued. WTF? not sure what I would have been posted if I had encouraged that one. I blocked him.

• The Seemingly Normal Ones

Then the ones that chat with you via text with no innuendo - that's good. Ask lots of questions and seem normal, it's all going well lots in common, sense of humour. And then just disappear with no explanation - I believe it's called ghosting. I obviously don't get the whole etiquette of this internet dating. They've been blocked.

• Weird Hobbies

So everyone lists their hobbies. If they cycle then WOW. And I think I might be missing something here or have I got a smutty mind? Horse Back Riding?  I never knew so many men were into Horse Back Riding 85% have listed it as a hobby. I can honestly say none of the men I have EVER dated EVER have been into horse riding. And I'm not on some special Pony Club dating site either. I'm wondering if it is code for something? 

I can pout with the rest of them! Even if a bit crinkly.

So have I had any dates? No. Do I have the patience to pursue this? No. I've never had to date in the internet age before and think that people hide behind emails, so they can go further than they would if you met them face to face with no consequence.  As I said to a friend at a drinks party recently.  I bet not one of the men I chat to at this party tonight will say to me. "Hi how are you - I've got something you can warm your hands on!" Because you just wouldn't would you? So why is that acceptable on the internet?

I suspect that a lot of these men get on a date and when she turns up - she'll look nothing like her pouting heavily filtered photo with the halo of flowers or bunny ears circling her head.

What's Next?

I'm just an old fashioned girl who doesn't need her ego boosted by a stupid foolish young man. I want to go out for a drink with someone who has earned the lines on their face, can talk about life, have some eye contact, and share some laughter. And then just see where it goes from there. If I can end up in a hammock looking up at the stars with someone again then I'll be a very lucky girl but it seems a long long way off at present.
Watch this space and it very much is still a space at the moment. 

In the meantime I have started yoga to restore some calm into my life in the spirit of being kind to myself. I'm going to reconnect with old friends that I have neglected. My favourite book at the moment is the Reader's Digest DIY hints and tips as I try to make this house my home and drill messy holes in my walls to my hearts content. Onwards and upwards my friends - only ever forward. Happy 2018!