It's Day 3 of going sugar free as I start writing this blog and I'm desperately trying not to think about the custard creams I really want to be eating right now.....which are haunting my every thought......anyway.
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| 5 Go Cycling in Mallorca - Me, Sandy, Lisa, Steve and JT |
Cricked necks and Swim Watches
It was April I was off on another cycling adventure. I had survived my skiing trip, well physically anyway! Apart from a crick in my neck from swimming 2km most days in the chalets 10m pool. That's a lot of turning around and going back the other way. Not to be recommended. I had to manually count my 200 lengths too as on Day 1 of my skiing trip I had against my better judgement got into the hot tub. Alas I had done so with my lovely new purple Swimovate watch still fastened to my wrist. Swim watches don't like hot tubs as it turns out. Actually I do remember reading something in the very small print, Barbie sized instruction manual. I remember laughing to myself "Yeah right! Pah! when do I ever go in a hot tub!". So I will need to buy another watch at the airport my 4th this year. I really want a custard cream.Musings from an airport - comings and goings....
The other customers were Gladys and Hilda, hair newly set, bum bags stuffed with Euros, fleshy feet crammed into their summer weight hush puppies. Their bra's had obviously been washed far too many times on too high a temperature and were holding a vast amount of flesh and bingo wings. They were getting slightly squiffy, and after 20 minutes they were giggly and swivelling rather too enthusiastically on their stools - not a euphenism. Hey they were going on holiday they had reason to be happy.
Several travellers over the age of 70 with DVT socks on were being chauffeured around the airport in the pope mobile. Any unsuspecting travellers who got in it's flight path were beeped at. That horn was rather loud - loud enough to give anyone a heart attack - maybe the driver was just drumming up some more business? Maybe this could be Franks vocation from RideAlongSpain in later life?. A vehicle with a big loud horn. He'd like that. See previous chapter.
The younger generation were all off on hen and shag... I mean stag parties. Dressed in various fancy dress themes. A tribe of vikings, who struggled through the face recognition passport control "Rob take your helmet and beard off you T**t" his friends shouted. Snow White and 10 dwarves, she needed to shave her legs that Snow White. Kermit the frog, slightly too tight fitting outfit #awkward. Orange girls on hen weekends, newly spray tanned, grubby orange stained hands and collars. I wondered what would happen to these girls if the plane actually crashed? How would these girls survive in their stilettos on a dessert island?. If there was a fire their hair extensions would be highly flammable and their fake nails would be sure to puncture the life rafts before they even reached dry land.
One hen party were quite subtle in their attire, but I wasn't quite sure what the theme was. In fact I'm still perplexed to this day. Matching black T-Shirts, with words on the back one had "Celery" the other "Lettuce" and wait a minute here comes "Colon". Poor girl, was the hen organiser having a laugh? Had she misheard this girls favourite vegetable over the telephone. Anyway "Colon" seemed quite happy as she trotted (see what I did there) in her high heels and shit T-shirt after the rest of the vegetable tray, maybe she was dyslexic?. Or they'd told her it was Spanish for Carrot. Anyway I'm sure they all had a good time. There's a joke about vegetables and roasting here somewhere but I can't quite go there. (maybe I just have!)
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| Lemoncello - not as lethal as Tequila |
EasyJet 1 piece of hand luggage only rule
I love watching this come into play, at the boarding gate. Passengers looking in mock surprise "Oh I didn't know, it doesn't say that anywhere" "Yes madam it clearly states it on our website, and yes your fake Gucci handbag does count as 1 piece and you will need to manhandle it roughly into your carry on bag". I watched 3 teenage girls desperately trying to cram 3 hand bags and 6 carry on bags into 3 pieces of hand luggage. Bags were being hastily unpacked in full view of all passengers and distributed amongst the 3 bags in panic. Hair straighteners, flap jacks (that might be my sugar cravings), spare pants, make up bags, pairs of shoes, sun hats, various lotions and potions. They were now wearing their sun hats, cramming shoes into their pockets, wearing as many clothes as possible. |
| Pockets - always fancied taking up the pipe ! |
As someone who does tend to overpack, I've thought a fishing jacket would be a great idea for Easyjet travelling. All those pockets you could carry cork screws, change of shoes, loads of stuff. I am trying to travel lighter, I am learning. Not like the guy on one of the flights who just got on wearing his tri-suit. WTF. I can understand wearing your wetsuit because that takes up quite a bit of weight allowance but there is not much material in one of those tri-suits. Maybe his triathlon was Fly, Bike, Run ? Triathletes funny people. Airports funny places, you never know who or what you're going to see.
Cycling in Mallorca - 5 things I've learned this trip.
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1. How to open a bottle of wine without a corkscrew
2. Don't underestimate your cycling ability
3. Don't heckle the ride leader
4. Steve is afraid of the tunnel
5. Sugar is the devils work
Some of the lovely people I've met along the way came to Mallorca to drink G&T's sorry I mean to go cycling. Steve and JT from Tricamp and Sandy and Lisa from RoadTripParis. A great bunch of people. Had a fun night in Palma, great architecture in Palma lots of lovely roof top bars. Learnt how to open Rioja without a cork screw, great life lesson. I'd seen youtube videos but had never put it into practice. Put the bottle in the heel of a shoe and bash the shoe heel against the wall, holding the bottle, the cork gently pops out. Saves you running up and down the stairs to reception to get a corkscrew I find.
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| The Girls - Sandy Lisa and Me |
2. Don't underestimate your ability and 3. Don't heckle the ride leader to try and make people laugh they don't like it.
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| Dave Hapwood, Me, Sandy, Lisa, Steve and JT |
We were cycling with SunVelo owned by Dave a guy from college. We all set off to Playa de Muro where our lovely bikes were all ready and waiting for us, very efficient. On our first day of all riding together we went with the Green Group. A cowardly option really, but we were easing in gently after a winter of not much training. The Green Group was an eclectic bunch of people. The ride leader was very efficient and kept us all in check. Well she certainly kept me in check anyway much to JTs amusement. Don't think she appreciated my heckling, fair enough.
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| Nice Boys Top ! and JT in head to toe Castelli ! |
Riding in a group is how I imagine speed dating but without eye contact. You get to say your name and where you come from and then before you know it you're up the line and introducing yourself all over again. This can be interesting, or not. Some people have quite thick regional accents which when cycling with the wind whistling through your hair, can make it quite hard to hear what they are saying. And hence we all developed a coping mechanism for how to deal with people we couldn't understand a word of. A polite "mmmmmm" or "indeed" , "I see right", or just look straight ahead and don't engage. I like to engage because I find people fascinating. But this can back fire.
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| Big Pete and the Green Group |
The lady with the thick Northern Irish accent, was very chatty, I could just about make out what she was saying with only a few necessary "mmmm's" replies. But I was alarmed when she held her finger to her tongue (which obviously helps speech tremendously) and very Irishly said "mmm-mmmm-he-he stung tee-diddly-dee bee tongue - eeelergic to be sure" .....WTF? Which in English obviously means "I say lady in the boy's cycling top have I been stung on my tongue by a bee because I'm allergic". "Oh" I said trying to look at her tongue, which was 99% covered by her finger. "It doesn't look like it" but more importantly I asked ...."when you say allergic, how allergic do you actually mean?" ...."Oh very!" she said "I carry an epi pen" Holy Shit, I took another look. She was fine. Quick someone blow that whistle so I can move along the line and don't have to deal with an anaphylactic shock.
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| Selva Steps not for bikes |
Beautiful 93k ride to Selva. I'd forgotten what it was like to ride with the sun on your back, very nice and I love Mallorcan roads. We stopped for the obligatory cake. At this point my so called "friends" decided to point out that I was wearing a boys cycling top....loudly. What can I say? I like my stripey green Hackney GT top, so do others. And yes maybe I have a physique that might be described as boyish. I don't look like Jimmy Krankee or anything. I politely reminded them that I write a blog, and they could be included at my discretion. And so Lisa I won't mention your dating escapades, JT I won't talk about your childhood, Steve I won't mention your dad or your cleaners or your CCTV and Sandy.....Sandy lets not go over how many times you've slept with Lisa again! The next day I wore a girls top that Sandy and Lisa gave me and actually maybe it was more flattering. Thank you. I think Martine McCutcheson would approve. (see previous chapter).
It was lovely to ride with friends. And as Lisa and I laughed and talked about her dating escapades, we nearly got hit by a car. We both swerved into the ditch and miraculously didn't fall off or crash into one another. We cycled back out the ditch and carried on gossiping pretending that we hadn't nearly been killed. That'll be my expert cornering skills as featured on Totalwomens cycling website!! I think Big Pete the other ride leader was slightly exaceperated. A very patient man. We were the least of his worries you should have seen who he had to contend with the next day. A very slow day for him I believe.
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| Random Sunvelo balcony action in Selva |
The next day Steve, JT and I went up a group to the more racy blue group for a 106k ride. Led by Sunvelo owner Dave Harrwood and his whistle. Really great days riding lovely pace and in a very well organised group, great fun. Good to catch up and eat cake with Dave. And I can recommend the milk shakes in the BikePoint Cafe at the end. That actually felt like proper cycling. Thank you Sunvelo for lovely bikes, great rides and keeping us in order. Excellent cat herding! No bee stings to report - apart from in the boys cycling top!
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| I like my boys top ! |
4. Steve is afraid of the tunnel
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| And relax ! No tunnels to see here. |
I suggested for our last half day that we cycle upto the Formentor lighthouse, a beautiful ride, well when it's not windy. And there is a small matter of the tunnel. Steve wasn't keen on the Tunnel. The tunnel that is pitch black in the middle and you can't see your hands in front on you on the handlebars. The tunnel which means you lose all sense of balance. The tunnel that makes you feel like roadkill waiting to happen. The tunnel where whenever I come out the other end I want to shout "I"m alive!" OK we decided lets not go upto the lighthouse. Besides those G&Ts at the Illa D'Or the night before are the size of goldfish bowls. Well that was fun, cycling with good friends in the sunshine.
5. Sugar is the devils work
Sandy and I had been to the supermarket to get the required food for the cycling holiday. An interesting shopping basket for cyclists; eggs more eggs, nuts, milk and banana's. coffee, Rioja. And Orange Juice. This last item I hadn't realised was quite so controversial, not the Rioja, no the Orange Juice. The first morning, I was making scrambled eggs for everyone, whilst Steve burnt the toast and roasted coffee. Innocently I asked "Does anyone want some Orange Juice?" a resounding NO! Gosh it was like I had suggested skinning a baby with a spoon. Why isn't anyone having Orange Juice ? Fructose the devils work. But my kids have juice every morning. Actually I needed to review their sugar intake. And I did need to stop and think about what I eat. I wanted to cut down on processed foods. JT and Steve recommended a book Real Meal Revolution by Tim Noakes, Jonno Proudfoot and Sally-Ann Creed. Right there were going to be changes when I got back.....and so, much to my kids disgust, I radically overhauled the packed-lunch snack drawer. Snacks were now nuts and seeds and coconut. I was eating more eggs than the cast of Chicken Little could lay. No biscuits, back to full fat milk and no carbs. I could still have coffee which was good. So after 8 days I was feeling good, slightly dairy-fied and maybe a bit smug. I'd survived a dinner party, I'd had to drink neat Gin to avoid the sugar syrup cocktail which didn't help but I'd gotten over the urge to eat biscuits. So how does this work with cycling?Well I don't think it does. I went for a lovely (lovely once my saddle was the right height!) 110k training ride in South Wales prior to Velothon Wales. There was no way I wasn't going to have carbs before that ride, I needed the energy. And a full English Breakfast is a great way to start a bike ride. And where is the joy - if you can't enjoy a piece of carrot cake with your cycling buddies after lots of riding? It's still a good book worth a read and it does have some nice recipes in it. And I am stopping and thinking about what I eat before I shove it in my mouth. But honestly you can't beat a cheeky afternoon tea can you? Life is too short to deprive yourself of pleasure. No biscuits consumed during the writing of this blog.
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| BikePoint Cafe - that was fun ! |
