Chapter 8 - Everything goes swimmingly.....Nuns, Doggy Style and Fleas

Operation B.A.F.C.O*

My big mission when I signed up for TriCamp in Mallorca was to sort my swimming out. Bloody “Bubble Bubble Breath” hadn’t really inspired me with confidence that night at Hampton Open Air Pool.  And No - I haven’t been back for drowning drills - sorry swimming drills with that club again.

Had you asked me 6 months ago what my strongest of the 3 activities required to be done “sequentially and consecutively” for a triathlon I would definitely have said swimming.  But I had soon come to realise that whilst I was fast at front crawl I couldn’t maintain this pace over any distance and the coward in me had always reverted to breast stroke.

And so to TriCamp Mallorca to sort my breathing out and get some openwater swimming practice and a swim technique analysis.

OPEN WATER SWIMMING THE PERILS

Can I borrow your goggles ?

Open water swimming isn’t to be taken lightly. Unfortunately I had read an article before I went to Mallorca which was far from comforting. This added to the inspiring words from an old college friend Danny “The open water swim? I would rather stick pins in my eyes than do that again.” Great! 

So here is a list of some of the perils and top tips for dealing with open water swimming. Please promise me when you next see me that you won’t feel inclined to check out my ears or my fat knees after reading this list:-

1. Steamy Goggles:- apply some new anti-fog spray before the event.....Oh yes of course I always carry anti-fog spray around with me! Ridiculous!

2. Fat-Pad irritation:- The ‘fat pad’ is a small, soft-tissue structure on the front of your knee, which has a tendency to be pinched between your kneecap (patella) and the front of your thigh bone (femur). Although it’s only small, it’s highly sensitive, and the pain can be excruciating....Something new for us girls to worry about do my knees look fat in this wetsuit?

3. Swimmer’s ear (aka ‘otitis externa’) is a chronic infection of the external ear canal – the passage leading from the eardrum to the outside world. It usually presents itself as either a pain in your ear (worse when you touch your ear), but often it will cause itching or even a discharge from inside your ear. When your ear canals become regularly water logged, fungi and bacteria can set up home. This can worsen if you damage the soft lining of your ear canal by attempting to dry (or scratch) it with a towel.......Ewwww Yuk Yuk Yukkity Yuk.

4. Exotosis:- Swimmers who regularly train in cold water can also develop a further problem of a bony overgrowth of the ear canal, known as exotosis. This is a permanent problem that can lead to reduced hearing. The simplest way to prevent both these problems is to wear earplugs......Mmmm attractive, presumably you only wear the ear plugs whilst swimming, not during everyday life. What? Pardon?

5. Skin Cancer:- If you’re lucky enough to train outdoors in warm weather, then you may be at risk of sunburn or even the skin cancer malignant melanoma........Blimey!  the person who wrote this list was definitely a glass half empty type person! 

6. Verruccas:- Yuk. We all know those at school who wore the white rubber socks! Maybe that was just Devon, no I'm sure it was a UK wide thing. Moving on....

7. Weils Disease:- Weil’s disease can kill, so if you’ve been open-water swimming and experience fever, muscle pains, headache, vomiting or show signs of jaundice (yellow skin and eyes), you must seek urgent medical advice.......I think I may have had some of these symptoms after the open water swim in Mallorca and definitely after the TriClub swimming drills.

8. Sea Fleas - Yes apparently there is such a thing as sea fleas, according to Australian Jacqui: who asked a very surprised Nick at TriCamp Mallorca.  Nick:- "Any questions?" Jacqui:- “Are there sea fleas?”.  Nick :- “Sea Fleas ? I’ve never heard of Sea Fleas!”. I assured the group I’d never been bitten by a Sea Flea whilst swimming in Mallorca. I said it’s the sharks you need to worry about. Ha Ha...... gosh and there I was just worrying about points 1 to 7, shit sea fleas as well!!

9. Killing a Nun

Get out of the way JT's coming!

So you can see Open Water Swimming is not to be entered into lightly. What Point 9 ? Oh Yes Killing a Nun is apparently a not often talked about peril of open water swimming according to JT at TriCamp. This is a true story.  JT had been doing a Vineman 70.3 in the US (I put that like I know what the hell that is - some triathlon event, anyway ....)  along with a very famous 80 year old nun called Madonna Buder (google her you’ll see) known as the “Iron Nun”. When it came to the open water swim everyone leaped in and amongst the melee or human washing machine that ensued JT swam over the “Iron Nun” and thought he’d killed her.  Much to JT’s distress - not only had he just swam over another human, but of all people it had to be the much loved famous “Iron Nun” - needless to say I don’t think JT swam his personal best that day. So make sure you have your anti-fog spray next time for your googles.

And the day had started so well...

All bike rides lead to the garage 

The day had started so well, I'd done my second big bike ride 90k to Alaro on the lovely road bike. I'd used all the gears and the brakes didn't allude me once. I'd managed to cajole a nutrition bar out of my pocket, pre un-wrapped (see I was learning). I had imparted some childbirth wisdom I felt I needed to share with Faye. Faye please do with that information what you will, I apologise for over-sharing to someone who hasn't given birth. She cycled off quite quickly - oh I seem to be cycling on my own again. Jazz hands pot hole. Jazz hands dead cat.

We cycled up to the garage - all bike rides led to the garage. We commented on how many cyclists stop at the petrol garage at Escorca. They don't really sell much petrol as far as we could see. Just a forecourt full of sweaty cyclists bulging out of their lycra taking selfies beside cycling company signage. All using the 1 toilet. The slower cycling group, sorry what did Nick call us - oh yes the Medium Ability Group - had been caught up very quickly at the first coffee stop by the fast group - God they were good.  We pretended the service was really slow at the cafe hence why they'd caught up.  We had the last laugh though - we whooped their arse on the way home.  Well maybe that's because we had a decoy in their group who had 2 punctures. It even sleeted on the way home.  So a busy morning then open water swimming......

AN AFTERNOON AT THE SEASIDE

I was lulled into a false sense of security at the beach. This was more like it, Sand, Sea and ......well we did some running drills. I was keeping up quite nicely, perhaps I was becoming an athlete after all. So I had done 2 of my 3 required activities today cycling, running and now for open water swimming.

Action shot to the theme tune of Bionic Man

A DIP IN THE MALLORCAN SEA

Once the sea flea question had been clarified by Nick, I was quite excited about getting into the water with my new wetsuit.  I won’t go into all the disconcerting talk about lube on the beach as we all got into our wetsuits.  Did I want to borrow any ? Errr No thanks I’ll pass. Awkward. I wish they'd keep their voices down people were staring.

And she's in....the wetsuit.

All we had to do was swim around 3 buoys.  I caught my breath as I entered the water, it was cold. And then everyone was splashing around beside me, and I couldn’t move my arms in a breast stroke manner or any other manner resembling a swimming stroke in the wetsuit (it might be ever so slightly too tight!) And then for some bizarre reason I just couldn’t pluck up the courage to put my face in the water. I like swimming in the sea but never had swimming in the sea been so bloody awful. I spluttered and gasped all around those 3 bobbing buoys, I splashed my way around and it was really hard work.  I got to the last bouy and thought sod this. I gave up and got out. 

Nick always one to give me positive feedback as I staggered onto the beach (he'd given me some real gems whilst I was at TriCamp!) looked for some way of appraising my swimming performance ….he couldn't.  "Errrr... Wow! well done Catherine you can get out of a wet suit really quickly!” Yep that sums it up nicely Nick. Get me out of this sodding wetsuit ASAP and let me sit on the beach in my clothes in the sun. That was horrid and there weren't even any sea fleas.

SWIMMING ANALYSIS

Once the Over 70s Mallorcan Synchronized Swimming Team had got out of the local Puerto Pollenca Pool, TriCamp had it all to themselves for swim drills - oooo really lovely warm water!. We were separated into lanes based on capability. Several laps of warm ups.  Off I swam really fast. The others  commented on how fast I was.  Then they commented on how quickly I ran out of steam!  I was expending a lot of effort and holding my breath which equals a near-hyperventilation situation.  God I really needed to sort some sort of breathing technique out.

We took turns to put on our best swimming display as Nick videoed us with an underwater camera. In my mind - I was gliding effortlessly through the pool like a porpoise. Totally coordinated and smooth. I am obviously deluded…..about many things in my life! When I watched the video back it was surprisingly nothing like that at all! What I saw was a middle aged woman thrashing around, swaying from side to side and then gasping for air manically every now and then. A disappointed “Oh” was my response on seeing the video played back I reminded myself of that baby on the front cover of the Nirvana Album (just to clarify with my kit on and without the willy!).

That baby can't swim for love nor money either

DOGGY PADDLE

So we went back to the pool and practiced lots of drills to improve our catch (that's a technical term I haven't actually grasped what it means yet) and breathing. And I was concentrating really hard to perfect my freestyle action. One particular drill focused in on bending from the elbow not the wrist.  Of the four in my lane (you chickens, Sue, Andrew, JT and Stephanie) I went off first.  Up the pool I went - lovely smooth movement - concentrating so hard I couldn’t hear Nick shouting at me from the side of the pool.  When my head rose above the water the 5 of them were all laughing at me.  I had been concentrating so hard on not bending my wrist that I wasn’t actually moving my arm out of the water - I had just successfully completed a lap of perfect doggy paddle. Oh - just a tad embarrassing. Which is why my prize for winning the slipper competition was a strap on....to stop my wrist from bending whilst swimming.

NEXT CHAPTER....
So at the end of Chapter 8 I still haven't done my 3 activities sequentially or consecutively, will this be in Chapter 9?. And whilst I am now completing all lengths in my local pool via the freestyle method my breathing is still not right. I have to face my fears and return to Triathlon Club...Oh No...Deep Breath...

*Operation Breathing And Front Crawl Only

All content strictly copyright Catherine Jevans 2014.

Chapter 7 - Don't go up there Catherine!

THAT bike ride....

This is the face of a tired woman who is NOT happy !

Everyone at TriCamp was very helpful.  They all had top tips for the woman who looked like a rabbit trapped in the headlights at times. Some of the advice was a little near the knuckle but then I’ve been told it’s good to share.

And so the words “Don’t go on THAT bike ride when they go to Sa Calobra” were still echoing in my ears.  And to be fair if I’d googled Sa Calobra before I’d gone on THAT bike ride I probably wouldn’t have gone.  Here is how they describe the 90k bike ride we did that day:-

"Perhaps the most feared climb on the island and a must do for many cyclists. Sa Calobra is 10km of tarmac draped on the side of a mountain. Its 26 hairpin turns climb 668 meters at an average 7.1% gradient. One of the hairpins is so extreme it does a 360 turn and heads back over itself. The road accesses the fishing village of the same name and is at the foot of the climb."

How bad could it be ?..... 

My co-pilot Andrew

Biggles with a similar swimming hat to Andrew's

First I need to introduce Andrew - he will be one of my co-riders for this epic event. Andrew is approximately my age.  We had established this on several occasions as he made musical references from the '80s and I was the only girl to understand what or who he was referring to. He kept pointing this out to me “You’re showing your age Catherine” whoops.  He was at TriCamp with his friend who he’d known since he was 11 - ahhh sweet. They used to retire early to bed we suspect for blood transfusions!

Over the week Andrew was to impart many pearls of wisdom to me. Which usually made me giggle, he seemed to have all the latest techniques and gadgets to help him through training. Who can forget the wetsuit hat he had for the open water swim - very fetching!

One morning we commented on the lines on his legs. Oh he casually replied I slept in my compression tights.

Me:- “You what? slept in some tights?”..... Andrew proceeded to give me the technical explanation for this apparent normal male behaviour. Odd.

He had a heart monitor on his bike which he referred to often. When I first rode with him I told him his phone was going off - but it was his digital thingy-me-jig counting off the KM’s.  I think Dave had given me one of these too, there was certainly some kind of digital gadget attached to my handlebars where the bell should be. But I think explaining this to me had been a step too far for Dave, seeing as he had needed to explain the gears and brakes in such great depth. So I was still blissful in my ignorance as to how to use this device.

Chaffing Talk

As is often the way at social gatherings the girls huddle in one corner to chat and the boys gravitate to the other.  And so at TriCamp a girls table formed at mealtimes. One night very bravely Andrew decided to mix it up a bit and come and sit with us girls. I think he quickly wished he hadn’t bothered. Quite rapidly the conversation turned to lube and various chaffing issues that girl triathletes suffer from - mainly in wetsuits apparently.

Rita who has a very lovely ample chest - proceeded to talk about her triathlon experiences with nipple rash and KY Jelly - and Andrew's eyes nearly popped out of his head and he really didn’t know where to look! Having heard that boys also suffer from chaffing issues whilst cycling and not wanting him to feel excluded from the conversation I asked him if he had anything to impart? He glared at me. No? Sure ? Perhaps not then!  but he did tell us this story….. Prior to one triathlon event he went to his local Tesco Express to buy an energy drink and some KY Jelly for his wetsuit. (Apparently the lube prevents chaffing around the neck of the wetsuit.) The cashier scanned the 2 items and then looked up from the conveyor belt and simply said to him “Looks like a busy night ahead then sir?”. Brilliant. 

Sa Calobra

In the words of John Lennon "The long and winding road"

So we all set off on our 90k bike ride with the option to stop at 50km .....allegedly. The minibus and TriCamp Steve would be coming too this time. There was a get out. I clung to this thought.

As we got going Andrew and I found ourselves ascending the hill together.  It was great, we encouraged each other through the pain and the disappointment when you realise there are NO other gears left to turn to and this is it for the duration. We experienced the joy when the hill flattens out a tiny bit and you get to choose another gear. Woo Hoo.  And then the disappointment again when you turn the corner and the road is still going up.  He talked me through his heart rate, and he advised me when he was holding back. I told him “Don’t get technical with me I don’t give a shit just keep moving your arse up that hill.”

So I definitely couldn’t have got up there without him - we were a good team.  And then there is the downhill bit to the beach.  Andrew likes downhill bits and I didn’t see him for dust, he left me. Whoosh. Gone.

  

The Descent - Champion the Wonder Horse

My trusty steed Bailey

 To start with the descent was fun and exhilarating. Weeeeeee. But a bit like the top advice “Don’t look down” when descending Sa Calobra don’t be tempted to watch the cyclists who are struggling back UP from the beach, pain etched on their faces. As I got nearer and nearer the beach going down the hair pin bends my hands got colder clutching the brakes. I hunched over the drop bars singing Mama Mia and Champion the Wonder Horse to myself, it wasn’t fun anymore, I’d had enough. My back ached, my neck ached, my arse hurt, my hands, feet and legs were cold and I was tired.

And then as luck would have it I spotted Steve in the minibus going the other way, like a knight in shining armour …..”STOP” I shouted “STOP”. I carried on my descent confident Steve would meet me at the bottom........he didn't.

I’d lost my sense of humour I got to the bottom shouted at Andrew “You left me! I’m done, I’m not going back up there. Steve can come and collect me”.  I threw my hat and shoes off and tucked into some energy bars and sat on a bench in the sunshine. I was done. The others rode back up without me. I was alone.

I'm done with this cycling malarky ! 

And then….

TriCamp Nick and Mike arrived at the beach with some of the other girls. I wasn’t the last one after all. 

Nick came over to me:- “What are you doing Catherine?”

Me like a petulant child:- “I’m done I’m waiting for Steve to come and get me in the minibus”

Nick:- “Have you had something to eat? I think you can do it”

Me:- “No I’m done - enough is enough”

Nick:- “there are girls half your age here and I know that you are strong and you can definitely do it”

Me:- “mmmmm” not convinced.

Nick:- “I’ll come up with you, we can go as slow as you like and we can stop - you can do it”.

Now this was Nick at his most persuasive and positive. But as I pointed out to him if those girls were half my age - that would make me about 60! Thanks for that.

Right - I’d show those doubters - let’s do it, lets go. And off we set, slowly but surely. But I bloody well did it with all Nicks encouragement and distracting questioning and patience. And I wasn't the last one back. Nick even carried my much mocked back pack for me at one stage! Absolutely brilliant one of the best moments of my life....not Nick carrying my backpack bit..... the reaching the top bit.  Thanks Nick and Andrew. I was so chuffed with myself, I can't remember the last time I have achieved something so monumental. 

A very happy woman !

On reaching the top we saw Steve and the minibus.

Me:- “What happened to you?, I shouted at you”

Steve:- “I did turn around but you were still going down you didn’t stop”.  He had been confused and then when he’d seen Noel (another TriCamp guest, the 62 year old runner who had run up Sa Calobra!) at the car park Noel had very helpfully said “Oh Catherine, she won’t have meant it she’s always joking around!”  So that serves me bloody well right then. But I did do it and I’m so bloody pleased I persevered. Ace.

And that's what I need to do with the Bastard Swimming......

NEXT CHAPTER:- My swimming technique, I get to use the wetsuit and sea fleas.

All content strictly copyright Catherine Jevans 2014.

Chapter 6 - Triathlon Training Camp Part 2 - Happy Campers

The TriCamp fellow guests.....

To say I was nervous about meeting the other TriCampers would be an understatement. I was worried I was going to let them down and they would be continually waiting for the crying fuckwit to catch up. Would they be so dull that I would be retiring to bed early every night just to get away from them? Would they see through my shiny new TriBag (only available in green) and my Garmin watch always "Searching for Satellite" signal? I had deliberated at the airport whether to ditch the Grazia magazine I'd bought as reading matter, thinking I would appear too frivolous and not like minded.(I should have brought it along) .Trouble is I've watched too many Big Brother episodes and I know that by "Dey 3 in the big broother hoose" the housemates all start fighting and crying in the diary room.

Essential Nutrition and Motivational Reading at Airport

Every Demographic Represented.

Week 1 TriCampers in the Snug

When I worked in the marketing department for Brighton Council we were very PC, we were continually producing information leaflets with people featured on the front cover that didn't alienate any demographic of the population and basically covered all bases. The group at TriCamp could have featured on the front cover of one of these environmental services leaflets we were all ages - me being the 45 year old housewife.  Check.

Careless Talk.

And a lovelier group of people you couldn't wish to meet. All of them. You think I'm just saying that - yes I am, there's always one. So here are some edited comic moments with the group ....

Some people get up your nose

One slight faux pas on my part on the very first night ably assisted by fellow camper Simon. My close friends know I'm not one for putting my foot in it - ahem much!. If there is something I shouldn't mention I will come out and say it. Not maliciously but my brain just freezes and out it blurts. I have over shared on many an occasion. So Simon and I were discussing my recent visit to Paris where I commented on the number of Russians over there. Simon looked around the table "No Russians here I presume?" - No we both agreed. And then I proceeded to tell the story about the Russian woman who kept staring at me in a restaurant in Paris rather unnervingly and we commented on their lack of personal awareness and their exuberant fashion sense. Simon equally had tales to tell.  When we had quite finished - Coach Nick casually turned to one of the other TriCamp guests further down the table and said..... "So Artem do you get to train much in Moscow?" Gulp! Simon and I exchanged sheepish glances. Shut Up Catherine. Luckily Artem's command of English was limited.  I made it up to him later in the week when I very helpfully located the thermostat in the house for him.....he actually wanted a thermometer - we won't ask where he was going to stick it! I didn't hang around to find out.

My Roomie.

Pollenca Steps 365 of them 

Catherine "I'm not running up there!" 

And so while I had been slightly unnerved by the Chris Hoy autobiography left on the bed of my room mate. Little Scottish Katrina was also lovely.  A fell runner who considered TriCamp to be a holiday! but then she is a nurse by day so maybe that puts that into perspective. I should have known her profession her bed was always beautifully turned down in the morning. A strip of a girl who looked like there was nothing to her but she made everything look so effortless as she glided by on her bike, or ran past you up a hill - barely breaking a sweat. And the fastest person to have been recorded by TriCamp to run up Pollenca steps all 365 of them. And that was AFTER we had done running drills and hill reps! They had obviously matched room mates by selecting athletes of equal calibre - cough cough! 

Triathletes Knit = Fact

I had joked with my Yarn Birds Knitting Group Twickenham branch (selection of snoods and scarves available on request) that I should take my knitting with me in case I got bored.  Yeah that would go down well at Tricamp! Ha Ha we laughed.  But who'd have thought I'd meet an Ironman knitter, lets call him Steve, who before long I was comparing knitting projects with? Who said Ironmen don't knit. Oooo I feel a T-shirt coming on. Introducing Patience the Cat. So cute. 

Patience the Cat Knitted by Steve

Facebook friend request - Confirm or Not Now!

Clare, Stephanie and Charlie had all known each other a while and their mums were neighbours. In fact at times it felt like their mums had come on TriCamp too. Particularly one night when Charlie and Stephanie's mum decided to send Facebook Friend Requests to various members of TriCamp much to their mortification. Various shouts in the sitting room of  "Who is this Jan woman?" ..... Stephanie and Charlie "Oh No that's our mum just ignore her!".
The Puppy.

Mrs Robinson

And then there was Ali the handsome 20 year old medical student - who we nicknamed the Puppy, very enthusiastic. Who rather unnervingly used to refer to me as "The hot mama" as he followed me up the stairs! Made me feel good so I'll be taking that as a compliment thank you. And I wasn't even wearing my wetsuit with high heels at the time.

The Slipper Competition.

Some winning slippers...

Some NOT so winning slippers!

Lots of bitching about dried out felt pens and smudgy glittery sticks. I'm sorry Steve your map of the island was a great idea but it left a lot to be desired in the execution and it's no use moaning about smudgy pens.  One sole read "Camp" with lots of gold glitter - we both agreed that it summed everything up perfectly. And whilst everyone made a great effort, they didn't know who they were messing with.  I won the slipper competition.  Did I mention I won ?!! I had at last come first in something at Triathlon camp! Mmmmmm.


Top Triathlon tip:- be prepared always take a sewing machine to Triathlon Training Camp.








So thank you to everyone who was there that week, you were all a great bunch of people, and I really enjoyed your company. Big shout out to all the TriCamp crew Nick (more of him in the next chapter), the shy and retiring Heather, who can be found at Pollenca Sunday Market selling slippers!, the lovely Mike, Claire, Steve and Lou the chef. Oh and good luck to the very lovely Faye who starts work with them this week. What a great bunch you make a wonderful team.

Good Luck in the new job Faye!

But I digress, back to the training..... 

Next Chapter:- Bastard Swimming, compression tights and don't go up Sa Calobra Catherine.

All content strictly copyright Catherine Jevans 2014.

Chapter 5 - Triathlon Training Camp Part 1. I fall in love.

Triatholon 220 Show

The Saturday before my training camp trip out to Mallorca with TriCamp the family and I go to The Triathlon Show at Sandown Park, porn for Triathletes. What is the first stand we see? TriCamp. They seem friendly enough I laugh and chatter nervously AT them, I think they think I'm a nutter, they may have been warned by Clare and Heather who took my booking. They thrust a free TriCamp water bottle at the children. Great now I have a memento that can permanently remind me of the hell in front of me.  The kids partake of all the free energy bar samples, as I know nothing of these nutritional aids I didn't realise they contain caffeine. The kids REALLY loved the Triathlon Show they were buzzing by the end of it and to be fair could probably have run home quite quickly! They didn't sleep much that night...ooooppps. 

There is caffeine in Energy Bars

2 sports bra's (much to my son's humilation), a box of "energy fuel" and a swanky new Triathlon bag with change mat and we're done. Not since NCT days (National Childbirth Trust for those who don't know) had I had a bag with a change mat. Hopefully it won't be needed for a similar purpose. Glossing over. I'm afraid I couldn't resist asking the Tri-Bag man if it came in other colours, as soon as the words came out of my mouth I regretted it. What an amateur. 

Tricks of the Trade - blending in

A few school boy errors have been pointed out to me during my training camp preparation.

1. Reflectors - Big No No.
Bike Bitch Pottsy comes around to take my pedals off and offers some words of advice.  "Get those reflectors off your wheels now, no respectable cyclist is seen dead with these on" he rips them off and chucks them in the bin. OK.

2. Garmin Watch

New watch with satellite & everything

Bike Bitch Pottsy gives me his old Garmin watch to time my running, mostly so I don't shock him with a 29min 10k run again. But also to blend in amongst the other athletes. The first time I take it out I return from a very fast 10k run only to stop the watch and the message "Locating Satellite!" to come up. It hadn't been switched on. So we'll never know if I beat Paula Radcliffe's record now. FYI I probably did.












3. Bike Helmet
Our friend Dave advises me to "Take THAT off" on seeing my bike helmet. 
Me "What the visor ?" 
Dave "Yes only mountain bikers wear those".
"Mountain Bikers" it would seem is a swear word in cycling circles. I hastily pop it off and shove it in my new backpack. See point 5.

Catch net made from tights?

4. Saddle Bags Rule#29
I am reliably informed by Dave that "Big Saddle Bags" (as in can fit a lipstick and 1 energy bar in) are purely for people going fishing for their fishing tackle. Another No No apparently, Rule#29 I believe.





5. Cycling Jerseys and Back Packs
I didn't have a cycling top with pockets in the back, so I took my new stringy back pack with me. It became known as my "comfort blanket" by the other TriCampers. And TriCamp Nick and Heather kept asking me every single bloody time we went on a bike ride  "What's in the back pack Catherine?" So to clarify:-  I have 2 children, I am used to carrying shit around for other people. Tissue's, Suncream, Snacks, Lipsalve. Sesame Bars. Phone. Oyster Card. Sunglasses. Purse. Autograph Book. Clean Pants. No spanners, no spare inner tubes, no puncture repair kit or anything remotely related to cycling accidents. I'm a girl, my theory is someone else will carry that shit and can assist a damsel in distress.  At 45 I may be pushing the batting of the eyelids technique somewhat and may have to actually rethink this strategy. 

I suspect the wearing of the back pack on every bike ride may also have been a loud and clear signal to other cyclists that I was a complete amateur. A bit like L plates for learner drivers. You spot them - you immediately tense and want to overtake at high speed forgetting all the rules of the highway code, and also the fact that you too were once a learner driver.  It might also explain why I was given such a wide bearth by all overtaking cyclists.

So far I'm blending in nicely ...... or am I ?

Essential triathlon items
bought at airport

Hi ho hi ho it's off to TriCamp Mallorca we go...

I now have all the relevant equipment to easily blend in with the other Triathletes (rather infers that I have completed a triathlon and done the 3 activities consecutively and simultaneously, which I haven't yet). I deliberated long and hard about my holiday book of choice - Bradley Wiggins autobiography?, Nick Dunn founder of TriCamp autobiography "I Dunn it My Way", slightly brown nosing. But settled for 12 Years a Slave - I reasoned whatever torture TriCamp was going to be it would pale into insignificance compared to the trials endured by Solomon Northup. 

Catherine looking years younger after TriCamp

Lots of well wishers before I set off.  And some not so pleasant remarks. Was I secretly off to have plastic surgery for a week? Harsh. At times liposuction has seemed a preferable option to what I was about to embark on. Many hurdles to overcome, .... Yes I am aware there are no hurdles in a triathlon. Sometimes I think I'd happily swap swimming for hurdles. So.......

The Bike Garage - Don't go up there Catherine!

I've never ridden a road bike before, so I'm slightly nervous and hoping for a test drive before the camp starts. Our friend Dave from Sunvelo arrives with my bike for the week, a lovely Ridley Orion. But it seems that the seat is not low enough for me, so very technically Dave has to go away with the post to saw it off with a hack saw. It seems a hack saw was not any of the other Tricampers “favourite tools” either. He must be cursing me he has a busy week. He arrives later with a smaller framed bike, a comfy saddle, a saddle bag and some digital display thingy-me-jig. Having failed with the Garmin watch I can't begin to start working out what that thing does. I don't even know how to work the bloody brakes at this stage.

As everyone in the bike garage is reassembling their bikes with their "favourite tools", Dave is teaching me about the gears. And the big cog and little cog, cassette, reel, derailer - FUCK FUCK FUCK! A few sideways glances in my direction, as it becomes blatantly obvious what my precise level of road cycling experience is. I think the coaches were also beginning to realise they had a fuckwit on their hands. Whilst my fellow Tricampers were making a mental note to avoid me at all costs.


Think Dave's regretting helping me out too. Not only am I of hobbit like proportions apparently but he also seems to think I may have one leg longer than the other - yeah very funny I'd be limping surely. Casually Dave asks Mike one of the Tricamp coaches where he'll be taking us on our bike rides. "Sa Calobra" says Mike. Dave's eyes nearly pop out of his head and he whispers to me "When they go on THAT ride, don't go up there. No I mean it don’t go". Thanks for that comforting advice - I just want to be able to use the damn bike let alone take it anywhere scary.  Dave goes off into the night - chuckling to himself and giving Mike a look that says "Good Luck with her - you'll need it".

It's like riding a bike

I am feeling very apprehensive now as I haven't actually ridden my sexy road bike yet.  The 16 of us gather around for our first team briefing.  
Nick head coach "We'll be going on a 50k bike ride tomorrow - anyone not ridden in a group before?".  There are 3 things in this statement that scare the shit out of me 1) Bike ride 2) 50k 3) Group. One hand goes up, yes it's mine, I look around hopefully for another amateur - "That'll be me then" I say. My fellow Tricampers make their second mental note of the evening to avoid the fuckwit. Nick "Anyone not ridden up a mountain before?" ...reassuringly a few more hands go up.  I don't sleep very well the first night.

In the morning my first outing on the road bike is off to the local swimming pool in Puerto Pollenca a mere 5km bike ride to get there. Never has a 5km bike ride filled me with such terror let alone 50km. TriCamp Mike says we'll be riding in pairs keep tight and ride up close to the person in fronts tyres. Fuck That! I have not a clue how the braking and gearing system works I am not about to crash into the person in front of me. Like a learner driver I may need to do an emergency stop at any given moment. Cleats ? they are now the least of my worries. There becomes a big gap in our "Cycling Group" where I am avoiding the people at the front and the people at the back are avoiding me. Although there are 16 of us - an even number suitable for dividing into pairs I believe, I can't help but notice I don't seem to be in a pair! 

Liza Minnelli a keen cyclist


We use a secret code of hand signals not covered by Cycling Proficiency circa 1978. Car Back, Car Front, slowing etc I thought I was doing beautifully until fellow Tricamper IronMan Steve mentions 3 days later that my signals always looked like jazz hands! I'm sure Liza Minnelli was a very good road cyclist in her day - thank you very much.

As we approach the first roundabout - the group at the front starts the chant "Slowing Down" "Slowing Down" "Slowing Down".  Panic sets in as I try to brake - "My brakes don't work" I squawk "My brakes don't work" - Oh there they are "Yes they do, Yes they do". Phew I think I'm really getting the hang of this now.


First ever 50k Bike Ride Ever - did I mention ever?

The words "Let's cycle up to the garage and back" may not sound like much, but never has a ride up to the garage to get a pint of milk been such hard work. Several things become apparent to me on this little day trip to the garage. A lot of people talking about nutrition some more annoyingly than others. I'd stuffed some silver foiled bars in my trusty backpack, no idea when to use them or how.  And it's a good job because I can't actually physically ride a bike, unzip my jacket pocket, and unwrap the damn things.  I think on this first ride, I managed to unwrap a small complimentary boiled sweet, whilst riding one handed. The other bars were in my "comfort blanket" back pack which without stopping I couldn't actually get to. Lesson learned I need a cycling top.

And dehydration - think I may have been on the verge of it several times. My tongue did stick to the roof of my mouth on occasions but I was pretty determined not to stop.  My lovely water bottle in it's cage (technical term), was just in arms reach.....if I could physically reach down. But that would mean taking my eyes off the road, rendering my arms redundant for jazz hands for deadly pot holes and dead crows. The act of tipping water into one's mouth was not a manoeuvre covered in my Cycling Proficiency Test circa 1982.

At THE garage all bike rides lead to THE garage!

But I made it to the garage and in a respectable time and I became in tune with the gears - after several people got fed up with the crunching sound and pointed out what I should be doing. And then something magic happened, I went down a hill and fell in love.  The feeling of coming down that hill, on a beautiful bike, with the view and the speed, and my trusty comfort blanket on my back - was pure magic.  I got it - I understood what all those middle aged men had been getting excited about.  It was a fantastic feeling. And it made me realise.....Yes......I have to confess.....I want.... no need....a road bike.

So I had survived Day 1 !!!- what other revelations were in store for me that hadn’t been covered by my Cycling Proficiency test circa 1992…..I’m a lot younger than you think you know especially after the plastic surgery.

Next Chapter….Sa Calobra, Gay Knitters, Slippers and Doggy Paddle.

All content strictly copyright Catherine Jevans 2014.