Chapter 3 - Camps, Cleats and Kerching.

I SIGN UP FOR A TRAINING CAMP! 

The signs are all there let’s be honest I am flailing around in the dark. Reading my Triathlon 220 magazine (not a horoscope to be found) I realise I’m going to need some professional instruction somewhere along the line.  It’s January and on a particularly dreary rainy day contemplating my mid-life crisis and the ironing pile I decide I need an adventure!

Rather rashly I sign up for a week’s Triathlon Camp. Email sent - yes bring it on. I’m having it………OH SHIT what have I done!

PLEASE DON’T’ MAKE ME CRY LIKE A BABY

How I imagine TriCamp

Whilst the Triathlon sprint around the beautiful English gardens of Blenheim Palace was being faced with apprehension this was nothing compared to the sheer terror the prospect of what I’d now stupidly volunteered for now instilled in me.

Several sleepless nights ensued imagining those Fat Camp documentaries where the fat kid is at the back crying because they can’t even make it up the steps to the Gym let alone get into the Gym. That was going to be me. I imagined an army training camp - give me 100 press ups Private Jevans and stop sniveling. Plus side to sleepless nights I went up 3 levels on Candy Crush!

I duly sent a groveling email to the Triathlon Training Gestapo making clear my exact levels of fitness and wanting reassurance that I wouldn’t be holding anyone up, and to expect tears! Reassurance was hastily given - of course - I hadn’t paid the full balance yet! The lovely Heather reassured me some people out there hadn’t even ridden a bike before they came out. OK I can do this

SIGMA SPORT BECOMES MY NEW SPACE NK

If my knowledge of Triathlon was nil at least I needed to blend in with the rest of the athletes in the camp so my new Mecca became Sigma Sport.  When I announced I was going on a Tricamp I swear I overheard the staff in the shop say “Kerching” and high five each other. Come this way Catherine just leave your purse at the cash desk. 

Rather like a shopping trip to Space NK (boys - it’s a make up shop. Denise Graham if you're reading this you know what I'm talking about!) you never see how much anything costs until you get to the till where you suddenly go pale at the placing of the decimal points. But some foolish pride makes you hand over the plastic whilst you try not to let the shop assistant see your bottom lip quivering - it’s perfectly fine to spend £130 on an eyeshadow and a waterproof mascara you convince yourself. Likewise in Sigma Sport - but I needed this kit to make me go faster!

My first foray was to invest in some more Lycra - that stuff does no-one any favours, but I was not going to embarrass myself by wearing my old Duran Duran T-Shirt and some jogging bottoms that I paint in. I backed away from the Tri-Suit that was a step too far. Besides I still hadn’t done 3 activities consecutively or sequentially yet!

PREPARATION FOR TRANING CAMP - I take out a mortgage in Sigma Sport

Equipment invested in: -

1 x pair of cleated shoes

1 x pair of cleated pedals

2 x Tri training tops

1 x Tri training shorts

RULE#5 DON'T FEAR THE CLEAT

We have an old college friend I’ll call him Dave - because that’s his name. Now Dave runs a cycling company in Mallorca www.sunvelo.com and I thought perhaps he could lend me a bike when I go to training camp. Nothing too fancy in case I crash it, preferably with a basket.  Dave didn’t have any baskets.  He has this....

SunVelo Carbon Frame Ridley Orion bike with strict
instructions not to be dropped, crashed or fallen off of! 

Dave is a hardcore cyclist who then proceeded to bombard me with lots of technical cycling questions, which did nothing to calm or allay my fears about my training camp. Dave remembers me from college as a Malboro red smoker in Dr Martens and stripy tights, not the 
sporty type. So he seemed less than convinced.

-   Dave: Had I ever ridden with cleated shoes?

-   ME: What? What are they? Where do I get them?  Russell and Bromley?  Do they come in different colours?

-   Dave: You need to practice with cleated shoes before you get on one of my SunVelo bikes. I reassured him that I had my Cycling Proficiency badge. He didn’t seem reassured.

-   Dave: “You’re doing a Tricamp and you haven’t ridden with cleated shoes before?”  He laughed..…a lot!  “What will you be cycling in?” 

-   ME: “Cycling shorts, it’s sunny in Mallorca in March right? “

-   Dave: “WRONG”

-   ME: “Thermal Long Johns and shorts? “ - clutching at straws now. I just don’t know what the correct answer is.

-   Dave: “You need long Lycra and a fleece and bring your pedals and cleated shoes.”

You’re a fuckwit Catherine was the subtext to this conversation!  And there I was thinking the cycling was the least of my Tri-worries.

CLEATED SHOES - MOVE OVER BRADLEY WIGGINS OR SHOULD THAT BE CHRISTOPHER BIGGINS ?

Bradders ?

or Biggins ?

KERCHING 5 assistants rush to my aid - I was back in Sigma Sport to collect my cleated shoes and pedals. In a Space NK kind of way I’d rather assumed that the receipt I’d got last week included the shoes and cleats. 
It didn’t - KERCHING. ££££

Shop Assistant: “We’ve put the cleats onto the shoes”

ME: “Great - that’s Great…….ermmmm what does that actually mean?”

Shop Assistant: “Do you have your bike here? We could put the new pedals on for you now to ride home”

ME: “Not bloody likely - have you seen all those cars and traffic lights out there. 
My maiden voyage with cleats is going to be strictly in my back garden under cover of darkness”

Everyone tells you horror stories about riding with cleated shoes ;- You WILL fall off; it’s all about anticipation, don’t panic. Which obviously just makes you want to panic.

Someone even asked me if I was left or right footed? “I don’t know I don’t write with my feet” - 
"Well what foot do you kick a ball with naturally?" ME:  “I don’t NATURALLY kick a ball with any foot I’m a girl! We did Netball.”

PEDAL SURGERY - SOME IMPORTANT LESSONS LEARNED

Shiny new shoes and granny pedals surgically removed

I very successfully took off my granny pedals single handedly; this was going to be sooooooo easy.  But now to put the new pedals on my bike. Looking at them I couldn’t tell which was right and which was left, I was desperately looking for the L and R symbols like I have on my running socks - no clue, nothing.

Well I know my left and right feet so I’ll attach my new cleated shoes onto the pedals and then I will be able to work it out.  Bingo! I now knew my left and right pedal, but the pedals weren’t attached to the bike yet. What a BIG mistake that was.

I ask someone for help  “You haven’t attached the shoes to the pedals without attaching the pedals to the bike have you Catherine?” ummmm Yes I had “How are you going to get them off?.

How hard can it be? - actually as it turns out it’s really really really hard.

ME: “NOONE SAID NOT TO ATTACH THE SHOES BEFORE THE PEDALS  WERE ATTACHED TO THE BIKE - NOONE - NOT ONE BLOODY PERSON - THERE WAS NO WARNING ON THE BOX ”

Pottsy on his way to do an 8K run obviously ! 

No one really tells you about the pain of childbirth either. (I’ve managed to get make up, Marlboro Reds and childbirth into a Triathlon Blog - not bad going).

I ring Pottsy, he loves his bikes (he's my new bike bitch), he would have the relevant surgical tools and know how to perform the operation all for the small price of dinner and a glass of wine.  Who am I kidding ? those who know Pottsy - I correct - for several bottles of wine.  The operation was performed beautifully by a perfectionist with great success.

Needless to say I have a 100% success rate of NOT falling off while out riding, what’s all the fuss about ? - But I’ve only been out 3 times to be fair. I will keep you posted.

CONCLUSION

So, now I had the equipment, the enthusiasm and a more immediate fear to confront - I mean goal to aim for i.e. “Don’t look like a doofus in 6 weeks time at Tri-camp”. 
BUT I needed something more iminenet, more local, an ounce of guided training……….I join a local Triathlon club. Oh no she didn't ? Oh yes she did ! 

Much to my brothers amusement - I’ll bloody show him.

All content strictly copyright Catherine Jevans 2014.