Chapter 1 - The beginning....

Ready Steady Go ! 

Great start to my blog I wanted to call it Rule hashtag 5 but I can't find the hashtag on my keyboard.  Hopefully as this blog continues I will discover it - a bit like this journey of discovery into doing a Triathlon and getting fit.  And maybe I'll get to the bottom of what exactly Rule number 5 is ? What a triathlon sprint is ? what is transition ? the deep secrets of proper cycling ? and breathing whilst swimming ! 

A Virgin.

I am new to sport, I had a bike with a basket and I occasionally went to Zumba classes. 

Zumba Classes - ahh yes. This was basically a lot of saucy hip gyrating by a bunch of middle aged pre-menopausal women in badly mismatched "sportswear". Fear and panic would engulf us when the instructor shouted "FREESTYLE !" ...... WTF is "Freestyle?" .... for me it was impersonating Buster Blood Vessel from Bad Manners, sexy oh yes !. We were all captivated by the young beautiful 20 year old Shakira (stage name I reckon) who could gyrate like I've never seen gyrating before. She must have fun in her spare time we all imagined, as she shook her booty across the church hall. She got engaged and left - not surprising with moves like that.

I didn't run because why would you when you can sit down on a bike and get there faster ? Then I had a 25 year college re-union. I joined a bootcamp - didn't want anyone thinking I'd turned into a middle-aged frump and anyway I couldn't afford plastic surgery. Fitted into my dress and a great night was had by all but that's a whole other blog ! Guess what ? I loved getting fit and the difference it made to my body shape. Thank you Jo Hall. That was 2012. 

August 2013 - miles swum 10. Triathlons entered = zero. Km run = zero

Olympic Training Partner

Last year I went on a family holiday to Mallorca - someone dared me to swim a mile a day in the apartment 12m pool. I never realised quite how much I liked a challenge, but I did it and got a kick out of it ! It was hardly Olympic training dodging the Lilo's, inflatable crocodiles and being dive bombed by my 8 year old son, but it was a start. Move over Micheal Phelps - more like Vanessa Feltz ! 

September 2013 - Why don't you run ?

My new bouncy faithfuls.

Summer's over, term time was about to start.  As my children and I scoured the shoe shops in the TW postcode for those elusive school shoes in the correct size, challenge number 2 was presented to me. "Why don't you run ?" ...."Oh no I couldn't, I never have, I don't think I'd like it, think I've got dodgy knees " and then there was the running shop......Can't hurt to have a look ? £150 later (£80 is what I quoted to my husband - natch !) 1 pair of shiny Asics trainers, phone holder, shorts and a top. Bring it on !!


2nd Sept 2013 1st run = 3.67km. Figure of 8.


I figured (no pun intended) that if I was going to run it needed to be near my house so I could return hastily if :- 
a) I wet myself 
b) needed to crawl on all fours home 
c) I could give up quickly and be home for a coffee within minutes nay seconds and no-one would be any the wiser.

So my first runs were on Twickenham Green doing a figure of 8. Round and round past the mums in ASK drinking their fishbowls of Rose or lady petrol as we like to call it ! 

Champion - music is key.

My first run was 3.67k and it was hot and very hard work. But I had a good playlist - Champion The Wonder Horse is strangely motivating - although earphones falling out every 5 seconds was a pain. Actually no it wasn't a pain, because it gave me a good excuse to stop and fiddle with equipment which quite frankly at this stage I was looking for any old excuse to stop. Special running earphones = £25.



The perils of running on Twickenham Green.

Running around The Green has had it's drawbacks.......although some definitely make you run faster.

Public Humilation

It's quite a popular public place,  The Green,  so you're bound to bump into someone you know. Especially if you're doing a figure of 8 and you're just going round and round and round and then round and round again. They give you that withering look of WTF are you doing ? Catherine Jevans running ? Mid-Life Crisis ! Odd ! 

Conkers - Lovely aren't they ? NO ! they're bastards ! 

Killer Conkers

They are a potential killer ! if you try running over 100s of conkers each one a potential trip hazard. I've always loved conkers 1st sign of Autumn and all that. Not any more - they are not a runners friend.  No sprained ankle to report though thankfully.

Zippo's - Keep going love ! 

The circus came to town in September. So now my figure of 8 route was past caravans, horse poo and heckling pikies ! 

Big Top

Running past the big top one day one shouted these words of educated encouragement:-"Keep going love - if you run fast enough you might even fit into a leotard.".... ... "Feck Off !" I said loudly flipping them the bird. Yeah ! Well actually I didn't 'cos I was scared of them. But I did run a bit faster past them the next time.

Trixie the circus horse churned up my running route too - but I wasn't going to argue with them. Just keep running. Don't make a fuss, this is Twickenham darling .

My friend the pug.

I think this is a mum from school (not the bus ) but I don't care.  After 1 figure of 8 lap around The Green, my calf popped (my thing ). In excrutiating agony I hauled my leg up onto the nearest park bench, positioning myself behind a tree so as not to expose my butt for all on the 281 to Kingston to witness and trying not to cry, it was very painful.  

Along came a pug on a lead with it's Eastern European owner on the other end (she's probably Welsh). The little fella proceeded to wrap it's lead around my other leg.  "Ho Ho"  I laughed (I see the funny side to most things) "He's quite friendly" .....The owner scowling at me "Gevt yer leg away from eezzz lead ee could strangle eezzz-self, eezzz very dangerous you know". 

My leg is still outstretched up on the bench in pain - I have to hop to try and extricate myself from my canine friends lead wrapped around my runners leg.  The owner is still having a go at me - even though strictly speaking I was:-

a) there first and 

b) minding my own business and 

c) obviously in pain
d) and d & e

Artwork courtesy of Sammy Craddock aged 8 

"You're not seriously having a go at me are you ?" I enquired incredulously.  Its seems she was.  I was livid ! 

Later as I did Lap 5 - the Pug spotted me again and bounded towards me rather enthusiastically.  I wonder how far a Pug would go if you drop kicked it ? 

At this point I should apologise to Jackie Houston. I did bump into her after this episode and ranted for some time about what had just happened whilst sweating profusely. Sorry again but I hate injustice and now.... Pugs !

Running is Dangerous - I have a "thing"

Runners sustain many injuries which sort of suggests it's probably not actually that good for you. Mmmm yoga - you don't hear of any injuries from this do you ? - apart from farting in front of your fellow Yogi's. Very painful experience.... one can only imagine.

I had been doing well even reaching the heady heights of an 11k run, spurred on by competitive MapMyRiding ! Do you know 11k really hurts your hips and people have been known to expire on bathroom floors screaming fuckity fuck fuck ! Stairs become a runners enemy. Why would a runner live on the 4th floor ?! This is the pinnacle of my running and presently I can't see the need to pass this benchmark. 

Then my calf started "popping" absolutely excrutiating. Was my running career over before it had even started ? I was urged to seek a second Physio's opinion after buttock cramping.   

Real runners goto physio.

Pants matter

It's not very reassuring when the experienced sports physio says "I've never heard of what you're describing before !" Subtext = freak ! After some rather personal exercises - (I drew on what Shakira had taught me in Zumba) it became apparent I have a lazy left buttock which was popping my calf ! Who knew ? 

And Anna Barnsley http://www.annabarnsleyphysio.co.uk I don't care what you say - it does matter what pants you wear to a physio session ! 

So £120 later I had some stick man exercises to do and worked hard on that lazy left buttock. Practice definitely pays off no more popping.

My foot "thing". Could be gout.

Hobbit Feet - honestly I wear nail polish ! 

I realised I had a toe thing on Christmas Day after a lovely happy Christmas Day morning run around TW1, just a blister I thought. Quite lumpy.  So I went to the doctor having convinced myself I had gout - you google the symptons, quite common I'm reliably told !  

Going to the Doctor.

The Family Doctor....in my McDreams !

Sometimes it just feels really embarrassing at the doctors.  My doctor always has a faint look of amusement in his eyes when I visit. I'm not quite sure what's actually written on those medical notes in front of him, but it seems to make him smile. "Patient Note:-  the woman's a fuckwit !". So with my foot up on his lap, he's continuing his diagnosis whilst still holding onto my naked foot. Why do I feel so awkward ? What thoughts are going through my head ? 

Yet again a freak condition that no-one else has ever had... "mmm not seen anything like this before on a toe" Subtext = freak. I'm thinking amputation at this point.  "It's gristle" is the diagnosis. "Oh that's glamorous " I say.  He's still got my nude foot on his thigh. "Just hard gristle" - fine I got it - Yuk ! I hastily scrabble to put my fluffy green penguin socks back on hoping that I'm not blushing too much. I'm sure Paula Radcliffe has the same thing.

My brother's a very funny man ! Seems number of Triathlons I've entered = 1

My little brother and I 

My little brother aged 40+ (I lose count) has a great sense of humour, if a little cruel at times - not as funny as me obviously but a tiny bit funny.  In a telephone call where we compared notes on "what has she done now ? you'll never guess what she said ! " about our mother. (Think that blog would be called "Day 3 Rule"  the time when cracks start to show and the fun starts !)

Anyway.....

I casually mentioned to him that I'd been swimming a mile in my local municipal pool, cycling 25k around Richmond Park and running ! Yes running ! In a non-bragging, non-sibling rivalry kind of way you understand. "Ooo you could do a Triathlon, give you something to aim for" he said. Subtext = "What are you doing with your life you muppet !". Since when did he become the sensible one ? my reply "Ha Ha - so I'm having mum for Christmas then, speak to you soon. Bye". 

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The Leukaemia & Lymphoma Research Blenheim Palace Triathlon 2014
Congratulations you have a place in the 2014 Leukaemia & Lymphoma Research Blenheim Palace Triathlon!

This email should be considered as full confirmation of your entry. You should keep a copy of this email should you have any queries about your entry. 

FUCK ! The little shit ! What do I do now ? 

To be continued ...........

All content strictly copyright Catherine Jevans 2014.